Funny Quotes

The idea of a Chicago band that wanted to sing songs about California is really funny. Having never been to California.

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. Its a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

Life has played some funny tricks on me and taken me on a wild ride. How did I ever get into this wonderful mess that is my life?

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

As I get older, I don't think the world is becoming that funny. Comedy is changing a bit.

I was often getting hired to play sociopaths and psychopaths and stuff, which is really funny.

Pound notes are the best religion in the world.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

It's quite funny that, 20 years ago, one would have thought putting out a fragrance would [negatively] affect your musical credibility. Now it may enhance it.

I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.

Funny always makes the bad things go away.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I admire Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet. I like a lot of comedians. I like Cameron Diaz - she's funny and has a very light spirit. That's quite rare nowadays. There are many actresses I admire.

Say, Cuttino. What are those Godawful clothes you're wearing? Man, this ain't Rhode Island anymore. You're in the NBA. The girls have teeth here.

Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.

whiskey makes the heart beat faster but it sure doesn't help the mind and isn't it funny how you can ache just from the deadly drone of existence?

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.

You've got a man-beast, and a ho-beast.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

On the secret to a lasting marrige: One of you has to be sane, and the other one is only allowed to be insanne occasionally. We take turnes on who gets to be wich person

I was funny -- ha-ha, not peculiar. It was a modest currency, like pennies: pedestrian, somewhat laborious, but a currency nonetheless. I was funny, in public, most often at my own expense.

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

Will Smith is a funny person, a very likable person, but at the same time he can be serious and really handle his business. I'll stay away from talking about his rapping abilities, though.

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.