The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Vitarags [the enlightened one] do not have a desire for giving or receiving charity. They are in the state of ‘shuddh upyog’ [pure awareness of pure soul].

I've said my friend, not once, but twice, never trust a preety girl cause darkness waits a mile behind her smile!!

A virtue never tested is no virtue at all.

I try to avoid calling myself a poet because I think that's something someone else has to call you. It's like bragging.

Why should I be sober when God is so clearly dusted out his mind?

We are born weak, we need strength; helpless, we need aid; foolish, we need reason. All that we lack at birth, all that we need when we come to man's estate, is the gift of education.

We may fairly judge of the commercial prosperity of a country from the amount of sulphuric acid it consumes.

I do not play games, but always just say what's on my mind. Ostentatious modesty - for fools. If a man afraid of your honesty, it means that he is not the one you need.

I do not think that I was brought up in a unique society with unique features about giving.

Yo, you don't need nobody to represent you. You represent you. You represent the best version of who you could be. You go out there and change the world.