Funny Quotes

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

If there was any drug that was to symbolize the people that ate our heroes, it seems like bath salts was a good idea. It's also a drug that, I think, is still funny to a lot of people.

I'm, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky.

There's good and bad in every arena. It's funny, some people, the reason they're in the underground is because they're lazy and don't make things happen for themselves.

Films that rely on their cast to be funny are often episodic and feel like a series of loosely connected sketches rather than a satisfyingly structured script.

The trouble with improv is that it is often about being funny in the moment without any real consideration for the bigger picture.

Funny how the world always praises its opera-singers so much and pays 'em so well and then starves its shoemakers, and yet it needs good shoes so much more than it needs opera--or war or fiction.

We are basically storytellers, descendants of the old men who sat around the fire and told us legends, fairytales, exploits, or maybe just how funny Og looked when he fell into the tar pit.

I miss my brother. Prince was a funny cat. Great sence of humor.

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.

There's Pam watching anxiously. She doesn't look anxious though.

A dimwit thinks nothing is funny unless it's mean.

If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.

I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog... Would hump ya.

At the end of the day, it's all about what's on the shelf at the end of the year.

I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Boxing is a great exercise ... as long as you can yell "cut" whenever you want to.

I think that it's hard for vain people to be funny. I think you can look any way you want as long as you have a good sense of humor about yourself.

I like to have fun, but I don't think of myself as being funny. But I'm a big jokester, so I make fun of myself a lot!

The world is a funny paper read backwards. And that way it isn't so funny.

Systems are made by players rather than players making systems

On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away.

I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Cherry Money Baby is fabulous in every sense of the word! It’s earthy and smart and moving, laugh-out-loud funny, surprising, inventive, suspenseful, and — Oh, Hell — just gorgeously written!

I had to get back to work... NBC has me under contract; the baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone?

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in such a way that the funny jokes become funnier.

Every city I go to is an opportunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii.

If you're trying to make something funny, and it doesn't feel like you're always getting something, it doesn't have quite a lot of joy.

I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there.

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.

Sometimes the funniest people don't know that they're funny - like the administrators in my high school.

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.

I'm living my dream right now. I get to make music, perform and travel.

[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.