Funny Quotes

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time.

I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material!

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

If you have a character that doesn't have anything wrong with him, there's nothing funny about it.

There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It's green.

I've always been the goofy kid. Growing up, I always enjoyed the comedic aspect of relating to women. Even on camera, it was always the funny take on it.

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I don't want problems solved for me. I want the fishing rod, not the fish.

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

It'll leave you feeling hollow and helpless, and there is where you'll stay. Ain't it funny child, love sometimes leaves you as dead as yesterday.

I think the best comedic actors don't play it for comedy, they play it for reality. Then you find it funny because it's real. Playing the genre is the worst thing you can do - it's embarrassing.

I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

Intelligent life on other planets? I'm not even sure there is on earth!

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

Flattery does not encourage the perfect flow of love in the vein of your relationship. Be genuine and speak out what you feel for each other without hiding the painful truth.

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: "I want a spiritual teacher.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.

The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle

She smiled smugly. “We came to an agreement, the duck and I.

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

Don't go to the circus.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.

Those who knew Lincoln described him as an extraordinarily funny man. Humor was an essential aspect of his temperament. He laughed, he explained, so he did not weep.