Funny Quotes

There is more to be said for stupidity than people imagine. Personally I have a great admiration for stupidity. It is a sort of fellow-feeling, I suppose.

Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late'

It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

I love Fidel Castro...I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that motherfucker is still here.

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

There's one stereotype in the industry that Asian people aren't funny, I've heard that over and over again.

I definitely work pretty hard to stay present and focused. I've also tried to create a life for myself where I'm surrounded by honest, loyal, and funny people, because I like to laugh.

[In] 2029, I think, computers will match and exceed human intelligence in the ways we're now superior, like being funny, where we still have an edge.

Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

I stay fat because it just wouldn't be fair to all the thin people if I were this good-looking, intelligent, funny, and thin. It's a public service really.

For years politicians have promised the Moon. I'm the first one to be able to deliver it.

Hysterically funny, amazingly talented people. That's what I think of when I think of Canada. That, and cold beer. And mountains.

I keep forgetting about your amnesia. Heh. Forgetting about amnesia. That's funny.

I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.

For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made. It's better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

My girlfriend doesn't think I'm funny at all.

I didn't plan on rock-n-roll. I wanted to learn jazz; I got to know some people doing rock-n-roll with jazz, and I thought I could make some money playing music.

Self awareness is NOT just a bunch of amino acids bumping together.

There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated.

Always telling the truth is no doubt better than always lying, although equally pathological.

Obviously, the best dressed awards is very relevant, I'm best dressed at all times.(smiles)

I look a bit like him.

I actually think being involved in the cesarean would be... I just can't wait!

Listen - life is really going on, right now, around us. Do you see it? Sometimes I lose it but if I sit still and listen, it comes back, and then I think, How funny, this is what being alive is.

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

It is quite possible for the vulgar to be funny, but to succeed, it must rise to a certain genius.

To me personally, it's nothing personal to me

I don't hold water with that theory

And the mile once again becomes the focal point where it's always been

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

Alec Baldwin is so funny.

FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

I do get funny people sometimes coming up to me in supermarkets in America with my picture in their pocket, which is a bit strange.

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

I've gone where the hand of man has never set foot.

We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.