Funny Quotes

London is like a girlfriend I loved, then really fell out with.

It's funny - more people talk about my 'babe-dom' now than they did before I had a child. Whatever. I guess I'm a role model in hot pants now. That's cool!

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

But the peasants - how do the peasants die?

Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.

I like girls who are intelligent, somewhat funny, and pretty with a nice personality.

Suppose they gave a war, and no one came?

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

It is funny how you do not miss affection until it is given, but once it is, it can never be enough; you would drown in it if possible.

I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do!

It's funny how you can go from hating a girl to maybe liking her, maybe liking her a lot, just because she shows a little interest in you.

Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.

On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball.

I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon.

The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.

I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

Convey your passion and link your strengths to measurable results. Employers and interviewers love concrete data.

Craziness was considered funny, like all other things that were in reality frightening and profoundly shameful.

Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.

Friday and Saturday nights have a funny way of revealing what we really believe on Sunday mornings.

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

It's so pretentious, but I believe that with comedy, if you have a good story, 90% of it is casting. Once you get the guys and gals in there, it's pretty easy to make a funny movie.

Business is the most exciting game.

Fate is a funny character. She puts obstacles in your path to see what character ye have. Life isn't fair,life is a test.

Never ask for 'a beer.'

It's so interesting to watch Ben Stiller work because he just knows what's funny.

It's funny, when I'm not on the road or doing stuff with Bad Company - or whatever- I've always written songs galore... a lot of stuff people don't even hear.

I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.

Zivojinovic seems to be able to pull the big bullet out of the top drawer

I think I'm optimistic, yeah, especially in real life, but I think it's funny to be pessimistic.

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

I know when things are going to get me a little nervous, because nervous to me feels good.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.