Funny Quotes

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

When a woman gives birth her waters break and she pours out the child and the child runs free.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

I'd rather be the bloke laughing at other people. I don't need to make people laugh. I surround myself with funny people. I laugh all the time.

Hervey (Weinstein) thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.

We hould totally make out right now

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.

He many not be hurt as much as he really is.

The ballgame is over...in this inning.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

Hysterical in The Mask; funny yet moving in The Truman Show.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

At the finish, it was all over

Portsmouth are at Huddersfield, which is always away

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

Till I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself

I started learning to sing what I liked, to experience it in a visceral way. Then it's inside. Get rid of the neurosis and then you can improvise.

We all die at the end, but does that nullify everything? Would most people rather say, "I wish I hadn't been born?" Once you're born you'll have to die, now is that funny or sad?

Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

I think that it's really, really funny to see adult themes in a genre that's usually directed towards children.

She's just playing a trick on us. This is just an Alaska Young Prank Extraordinaire. It's Alaska being Alaska, funny and playful and not knowing when or how to put on the brakes.

Be serious. Life hurts. Reflect what hurts. I don't mean that you can't also be funny, or have fun, but at the end of the day, stories are about what you lose.

I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit bootie?

Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air.

Be pleased to look forward, And pleased to look behind, Count today, your 40th, and each birthday With a grateful mind.

It's funny when guys don't like to talk about makeup. I'm like, "You know you're wearing makeup, right? We all are."

But as far as being popular, yeah, I think Dave Barry is really funny.

It's always judged on funny first, then the facts, and the realism, and the points that you're trying to make.

Because to me, there is no logic of any kind behind misogyny. Therefore, it’s funny, because it’s so completely random to me. It’s senseless.

Anything above 40 is a little too old for me. I just look for a girl who is funny and has nice eyes and a smile.

Kim's [Kardashian] just a funny person in general.

I like girls to be wild but at the same time beautifully brought up and very funny.

Defensively, I think it’s important for us to tackle.

I can count on one hand the number of people who wrote me a thank you letter after having an interview, and I gave almost all of them a job.

People who are innately funny are innately disturbed.

It's funny that all these goths paint their faces with such white make-up and that is the actual colour of my skin, I am that pale!

I think the hard part is over. Now it's time for us to play.

The perception of him as brooding and dark and miserable, that is baloney. Kurt Cobain was a funny dude.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I think if you love someone, you think that they're out of your league, of course. I go for the full package though, you know, like not everything is based on looks. I go for talent and funny.

Future generations will look back on TV as the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.

I am lactose intolerant, and I always thought it was really funny how people who are lactose intolerant continue to eat dairy, because they like it so much. And I find it not acceptable.