Funny Quotes

Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy.

We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think.

I do like any kind of project that has both comedy and drama in it because in life you don't have one day where everything is funny then the next day everything is dramatic.

I've been funny my whole life. This is a gift God gave me.

Donald Trump's words are are not funny, his words are poisonous.

I am not a trained writer and I don't think anyone would accuse me of being a funny person. But I feel God has truly blessed me.

Chekhov, when it's done well and you're ready for it, can actually be quite funny.

Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.

Let us work without theorizing, tis the only way to make life endurable.

Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say, delete emails or serve in congress.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good humour!

Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequence than to have a really affectionate mother.

There may be something good in silence. It's a brand new thing. You can hear the funniest little discussions, if you keep turning the volume down. Shut yourself up, and listen out loud.

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

Which is now a more hopeful statement than Swift intended it to be.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.

Funny to watch these Senators switching back and forth on Prohibition. Politics is a great character builder. You have to take a referendum to see what your convictions are for that day.

It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him.

They are sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing.

As soon as I got funny, I killed any majestic intentions in my work.

You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me

I feel my best when I'm happy.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

When asked what would he do if he found $1 million, Yogi responded, If the guy was poor, I'd give it back.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.

Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

I loved school, I loved putting on my uniform and doing homework every day. I was one of those good students that the teachers liked. I guess that's got to be a pretty nerdy, geeky part of me.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.