Funny Quotes

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

I have a real respect for tobacco as a substance, and it just seems very funny how the Western attitude is, "Wow, people are addicted to this, think of all the money you can make off it."

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

We are really the victims of our own problems

I thought I was funny as a kid. I used to play tricks on my brothers - I'd tie a two-shilling piece to a bit of cotton, then pull it away as they went to grab it.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops.

Judd Apatow, Conan O'Brien ... taking what you think is funny, and then adding another layer to it. That's kind of my sensibility. Those are the guys that make me laugh.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

Magellan went around the world in 1521, which is not too many strokes when you consider the distance.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I do and how it fits into the scheme of things. I won't do something just because it's funny.

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Do you know anything that in all its innocence is more humiliating than the funny pages of a Sunday newspaper in America?

Whoever, in middle age, attempts to realize the wishes and hopes of his early youth, invariably deceives himself. Each ten years of a man's life has its own fortunes, its own hopes, its own desires.

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.

The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

It's too difficult to start right from scratch and try and be funny out of the blue.

Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.

'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness.

Successful crimes alone are justified.

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.

I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.

Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow.

You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories, and we made the funny choice.

The thought of you being removed from the rotation is not funny to me.

In general, watching children's television is a dark and surreal descent into madness where the characters on the screen talk directly to you.

Ringo is Ringo, that's all there is to it. And he's every bloody bit as warm, unassuming, funny and kind as he seems. He was quite simply the heart of the Beatles

It's funny - Frankie Valli's story and that advice that he was just getting from, you know, Christopher Walken's character, is very true for someone who's in a creative field.

The best feeling is watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't real.

Tennis is a funny game; unbelievable highs and the lows are just as low.

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.

I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS.

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.

You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.

It's fun to do something funny and have the director laughing. It makes you feel good.

We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.