Funny Quotes

The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like “Mad Men” is disgusting. It’s a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it.

I've never got to the bottom of streaking

It's funny how everyone has a bizarre relationship with Google. The knowledge is there, but no one knows how to use it right.

You've only got to be in public life for about a week before you start to question if the newspapers are even giving you today's date with any accuracy!

Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's, Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.

A footman may swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can swear as often: but can he swear with equal delicacy, propriety, and judgment?

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.

We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious.

To me, I've never understood why there is any question about are women as funny as men.

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that.

It's funny, I get really nervous when I audition for voiceovers.

No they called it the Codex Merlini because it was written by a guy named Ralph.

It's funny, for a long time I would go watermelon-red and deny that I was a magical realist. It felt imprecise to me, a misrepresentation.

Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.

Darwin has interested us in the history of nature's technology.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'

People have been asking me if I was going to have kids, and I had puppies instead.

She lies about her age and weight and is slightly older than Rocket. But they've been a couple for eight years, longer than most in Hollywood.

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.

Funny how people despise platitudes, when they are usually the truest thing going. A thing has to be pretty true before it gets to be a platitude.

When I made coffee and Xeroxed and distributed newspapers at ABC News, I thought my life was over.

I mean, I went to a Catholic boys school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me.

I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker.

Every movie I do, or when I'm on the sketch comedy show, I don't really get into it until I have an outfit or something funny with my head or face or something.

Like a cartoon world, where the figures are flat and outlined in black, jerking through some kind of goofy story that might be real funny if it weren't for the cartoon figures being real guys.

What's not to love about us! People got to know Misty and me in Athens. We've continued to be successful and continued to connect with the fans. I promise we're going to be tough to get rid of.

I didn't grow up thinking I was pretty; there was always a prettier girl than me. So I learned to be smart and tried to be funny and develop the inside of me, because I felt like that's what I had.

I want to be funny, but it has to be a believable funny.

I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

If facts weren't funny, or scary, or couldn't make you rich, the heck with them.

I'm not going to be remotely funny.

Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.

Think of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation is left up to the rendering engine.

It's funny, I used to say on 'That 70′s Show', you could really put us in any decade, and it was about the people and the characters and that we cared about each other.

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

It's funny how money change a situation.

I'm trying to die correctly, but it's very difficult, you know.

Clint Eastwood's a good friend, too - he and I used to play in softball games together.

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing?

The fans of 'The Hunger Games,' of the book, are very passionate. It's funny: Even at my concerts there are people holding up 'Cinna' signs.