Funny Quotes
My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities.
We were ensconced as guests of the exclusive Beverly Hilton Hotel, an edifice so swank that the fire ax in the hall outside our suite said: "In case of fire-break crystal."
It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger.
I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.
Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.
It's funny that people think because you don't have a movie or record out, you disappear into a frozen chamber someplace. They think you're dead when you're not in the public eye.
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.
Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.
The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.
In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.
We were hoping to build a small profitable company; and of course, what we've done is build a large, unprofitable company.
I was haunted by trainers going "Up, up, up, get up." You find yourself picking your head up and then realizing, They aren't talking to me.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.
There's something funny about being on a big stage and not making a big effort to fill it up.
It was enormously challenging because you want that all-American girl, but you also want the cool WASP, privileged white girl. Usually, women in that package aren't funny.
That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.
I've always been attracted to humor and funny people in general. It's a joy to make people laugh, but it's not as fun as laughing yourself.
I don’t think men have time to be funny because they have to make all of our rules about what we can do with our vaginas.
I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.
Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.
It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.
The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there.
Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now.
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor that masquerades as not-much-at-all. It is certainly easy to miss.
After doing Johnny I wanted to just do something, I wouldn't say innocent, but to not have any care in the world. Lots of setups and horrible happenings but its funny.
