Funny Quotes

The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do.

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

Play out a boring game to the end and funny things can happen; Fischer knew it.

I awake with a not entirely sickened knowledge that I am merely young again and in a funny way at peace, an observer who is aware of time's chariot, aware that some metamorphosis has occurred.

I'm not a believer in the pratfall. I don't think it's funny just to have someone fall down.

Funny is when you're serious.

Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids

Love doesn't drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.

I did not know that we had ever quarreled.

The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who can sing tunor.

Nature, time and patience are three great physicians.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

I'll have that one, please.

I took 'P.S. I Love You' thinking it was going to be a little funny, and I ended up crying every day on that film.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow

Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

The strong must protect the sweet.

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

Nature makes only dumb animals. We owe the fools to society.

I have been waiting twenty years for someone to say to me: "You have to fight fire with fire" so that I could reply, "That's funny-I always use water."

Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself.

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

Collectively and individually fielding is largely a matter of thoughts and discipline.

It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching Daddy's Little Girls literally in tears.

[Hollywood] is obviously so fake, but then comedy is this little carve-out of sincerity. I love it. I get to be funny and do this.

I love sketch comedy. My real goal is to do something with Albert Brooks. That would be my fantasy. I stay up night and day thinking up stuff he might find funny.

If you can't be a hero, you can at least be funny while being a chicken.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

Movies either work or they don't work and they're either funny or they're not and we work very hard. To achieve that kind of work is really kind of delicate stitching.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.