Funny Quotes

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician, but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing.

Bette Davis had very strong opinions and was not afraid to express them. She wasn't afraid of anything that I ever saw. And she was so funny. She's just funny and she was laughing all the time.

Gene Wilder often said that his job as an actor wasn't to make something funny but to make it real.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.

Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'

The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.

The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel.

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

Once in a while, I played second base; once in a while, outfield. But those were just pickup games and softball leagues. So when I bought the Yankees, I tried to stay one pace ahead of the players.

Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.

I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.

We cannot let terrorists hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.

This may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!

Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to say that and chew gum at the same time.

This is unparalyzed in the state's history.

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.

Stevie Wonder always smells so good... I'm like a DEA dog, I can smell people a block away!

We don't want wars even when we win.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.

We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden - a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made.

I really don't like drunk women; I think it is such a bad look. I think it's very inappropriate and I don't like it. I don't really have drunk friends.

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.