Stephen Colbert Quotes

I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

I'm getting angry at liberals.

If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

Trump will not respond to reasoned argument. He will not be held accountable for the things he said. All you can do is point and laugh. Because the devil cannot abide mockery.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."

What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media.

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.

With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.