The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Reality is not art, but a realist art is one that can create an integral aesthetic of reality.

Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.

The cherished dream of every chessplayer is to play a match with the World Champion. But here is the paradox: the closer you come to the realization of this goal, the less you think about it.

Jesus never spoke of truth in abstraction, as something that stands alone. Jesus always spoke of truth in relation to God being revealed through himself.

That's like making fun of a maniac because his brain isn't completely right, because he isn't in the norm.

Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have either one.

I almost do not exist now and I know it; God knows what lives in me in place of me.

There are people into whose heads it never enters to conceive of any better state of society than that which now exists.

The Seven Deadly Sins are a litany of victimless crimes, compiled to distract attention from the bloody felonies of the righteous.

Communicate everything you can to your associates. The more they know, the more they care. Once they care, there is no stopping them.