Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Ninety percent of people who lose weight gain it back. It's very sad.

Laugh at yourself, but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself. Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.

For me, being alove it is being close to nature, either by the beach or near the ocean. When I look around and see how small I am in comparison to all that surrounds me, it fuels me.

That's one of the things that always grabbed me about rock music: There's a song, and you know how it goes, and you can sort of predict it, but a lot is left up to chance and interaction.

I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough to make one's flesh creep.

I refresh Twitter as thoughtlessly as some twirl their hair.

When you lose your freedom, you lose, first and foremost, the opportunity to choose the company you keep.

Did you know that the worldwide food shortage that threatens up to five hundred million children could be alleviated at the cost of only one day, only one day, of modern warfare.

Difference is not the opposite of harmony but its condition.

I tried. Can't do it. Brain's empty.