With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A woman's got one life: She's got to reach out and grab it with both hands, or it'll pass her by and leave nothing but a smelly old fart in her face.

i’m afraid i’ll lose you if i share all that’s real.i’m afraid i’ll lose myself if i don’t.

The inevitable slip of time weighted on a man's soul.

In fact the experience at Oxford has really helped me later in life.

If you over-plot your book you strangle your characters. Your characters have to have enough freedom and life to be able to surprise you.

Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is the most sublime noise that has ever penetrated into the ear of man.

It's very hard, for example, to justify the thirty-four-year occupation of the West Bank and Gaza. It's very hard to justify 140 Israeli settlements and roughly 400,000 settlers.

The appetite grows with eating.

You promote your films; it's part of your job. You do the magazine covers and stuff, and then I try to live a really normal life. I definitely don't try to make it into any more craziness than it is.

Nobody's in love with me. I'm so sorry.