I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Once humanity discovers what's behind the mirror of all the ruling class of governments and religions there will be a new beginning of justice called Enlightenment.

On the matters where your country is wrong, don’t take side with your country! Because it is always wrong to be on the side of wrong!

What makes you a man is not the ability to make a child, it's the courage to raise one.

Disruption never helps your cause. ... It just looks like you're afraid to have rational discussion.

I'm not Bill Evans. I'm not Keith Jarrett. I'm basically a singer who plays along with his voice.

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.

The inner and outer, the visible and invisible, the abstract and concrete - you've got to get the balance right (not that I do, but it's something to aim for).

Change is inevitable. Why hold onto what you have to let go of?

[John] Belushi was an extreme experience even by my standards.

The economic dependence of women is perhaps the greatest injustice that has been done to us, and has worked the greatest injury to the race.