Stephen Colbert Quotes

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.

Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?

Equations are the devil's sentences.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.