The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, keep cooking. Success comes from repeatedly doing things that make you uncomfortable.

It is hard to dislike someone you know if that person is someone you value.

When I think of Peter Wolf I always remember the Portuguese proverb: 'Never say you will not drink from that glass again.'

For nearly twenty years I have been a published author... But I have never yet seen a book of mine offered for sale in a shop window.

I had my very first relationship at 27 because I really had not actually come to terms with my sexuality until I was 24.

A God comprehended is no God. (Ein begriffener Gott ist kein Gott.)

I would dye my hair every week. I wanted to be a really goth teenager.

What goes up, must come down... Mustn't it?

I think I can finally say I am at my most confident and comfortable out there, physically.

I knew that nobody but a luckless man could ever need a doctor in the face of a cyclone.