Stephen Colbert Quotes

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.