We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There is so much we’ll likely never agree on, but can we at least agree to be respectful and kind to each other anyway.

Every mystery of life has its origin in the heart.

All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire.

Either life entails courage, or it ceases to be life.

I was the Pink Pansy or whatever, wearing this crazy thing.

You listen to the intelligence community, they say, listen, maybe it's ISIS today, it's somebody else tomorrow. We'll deal with the caliphate, but it's going to take years to be able to handle this.

I am still fairly new to the whole social media thing - I am definitely tweeting and Facebooking. It's a nice way to connect with fans.

A diamond is just a lump of coal that stuck to its job.

With our human limitations we're not always able to understand the explanations.

A horrible night might be hidden in a beautiful morning!