I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Don’t panic, if you are alive you still have chance to fight back.

When a man is small he loves and hates food with a ferocity which soon dims. At six years old his very bowels will heave when such a dish as creamed carrots or cold tapioca appear before him.

You don't want roast beef and Yorkshire every night and twice on Sunday.

I do not like to work and have no trade but i do like to eat, so this is basic, the basic training of slaves to fear.

Don't go so deep in yourself that you no longer exist for your partner and for the character and for the play.

People understand about family; people understand about being in situations where you have to be brave. People get falling in love.

To be successful is never convenient. The things you have to go through, it's never convenient.

The natural man cannot but resist the Lord's offering to help him; yet that resistance is infallibly overcome in the elect, by converting grace.

You know I'm always in trouble.