Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

That it is better 100 guilty Persons should escape than that one innocent Person should suffer, is a Maxim that has been long and generally approved.

I was supposed to be a romancer, either wooing the leading lady or competing with the leading man for her.

Literature, whether handed down by word or mouth or in print, gives us a second handle on reality.

When it comes to improv, Specifics beget specifics.

An only child is never twelve.

I have the mind of a fool, understanding nothing.

I occasionally got called the Rush Limbaugh of Indiana, but most people knew that my style was different.

Some people are born great and some have greatness thrust upon them

But, hey I did everything the right way and earned my spot in this game, nothing was given to me.