It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

You always do this to people?""Do what?""Get them to empty their guts out just like that.""We do not have much time. We should only talk about what is important.

Because [the Holy Spirit] is a spirit, [He] isn’t limited by time or space. He can be everywhere at once. He is in the midst of the largest galaxy—and the smallest atom.

It would be an existence rife with difficulties... but of a pleasurable kind, difficulties they could take pride in, possess, value, as one would a family heirloom.

John Grady looked at the table. The paper cat stepped thin and slant among the shapes of cats thereon. He looked up again. Yessir, he said. Just me and him.

Praising heroes who slay monsters is a writer’s most ancient task.

Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over.

When I'm manic, I'm so awake and alert, that my eyelashes fluttering on the pillow sound like thunder.

If you don’t know about Tumblr then you are not supposed to know about Tumblr. It’s like fight club.

Parts of the Voting Rights Act are due to expire next year if Congress doesn't extend them, including the section that guarantees that voting rights will be protected by the federal government.

I'm always shocked by that! I'm not the singer, I'm the songwriter who sings.