Norm MacDonald Quotes

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

You can't love your team without hating another team.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

I have a little bit of an out-of-body experience where I enjoy the scenario, and I really do like seeing a crowd turn into a mob, and I do nothing to stop it. People can become really dangerous.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

I don't have any ambition.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.

I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.