Josh Stern Quotes
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
When people try to rain on your parade, ...pee on theirs
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first
the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling
If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?
Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
