I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

If the Bible is called the Good Book, it's not because its people are. Blood flows as freely through the stories as the ink through the quills that penned them.

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.

We knew that there was a certain kind of interest in Whale among a genre crowd.

I think Naomi Klein was very astute with her book 'Shock Doctrine.' We make money on disaster.

A categorical imperative would be one which represented an action as objectively necessary in itself, without reference to any other purpose.

It is necessary to be strong, in order to become great: that is our duty. Life is a struggle, which we cannot avoid. We must triumph!

Listen, Frank Zhang has moves. He's probably gonna turn into a kangaroo and do some marsupial jujitsu on their ugly faces.

The arrogance of race prejudice is an arrogance which defies what is scientifically known of human races.

There is much depressing evidence that the religious voice is required to stay out of the public square only when it is pressed in a conservative cause.