Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to hurt?

Don't worry he tells me tenderly. It doesn't matter who you've been, who you are, or who you become. I'm with you every step of the way.

If you meet with a system of theology which magnifies man, flee from it as far as you can.

I do give myself a break in my personal life but I think in work, if you don't push yourself you get bored and want to do something else.

There are no problems, only solutions.

I am sick as a horse.

Never get so fascinated by the extraordinary that you forget the ordinary.

Not every rider is a horseman and not every horseman is a knight.

Once upon a time, Sleeping Beauty decided to take a nap from which she would never wake up.

We only have this one planet; we got to figure out how to live on it without destroying it.