Demetri Martin Quotes

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I like people, for a little while.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Most stick people are black.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.