Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Things change, time changes. People change, life changes. Time changes things, life changes people.

You speak what you believe, and you believe you’re doomed. If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout the years, it’s that what you believe is the impetus for your entire life.

I think lowering the age of consent to thirteen in New Jersey was a great idea. It might give boys a better chance to get girls before maga­zines. That's when they get hooked, in junior high.

A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption.

When legislature is corrupted, the people are undone.

My friends should drink a dozen of Claret on my Tomb.

Economics has been incurably growth-oriented and addicted to everybody growing richer, even at the cost of exhaustion of resources and pollution of the environment.

When I'm riding my motorcycle, I'm glad to be alive. When I stop riding my motorcycle, I'm glad to be alive.

Some things we have only as long as they remain lost, some things are not lost only so long as they are distant.

There are, indeed, few kinds of composition from which an author, however learned or ingenious, can hope a long continuance of fame.