The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

True kindness is an anchor that drops deep into the heart and you feel it while it’s dropping. Meanwhile, untrue kindness is merely a condition of the face.

Being part of the whole, as I grow so does that which contains me.

Justice is the cardinal virtue of peace.

Courage treats the weak better than fear treats the strong.

Management is the most noble of professions if it's practiced well.

Even if you are a pianist, your concerto repertoire is very limited compared to what your chamber repertoire would be if you were a chamber music pianist.

I mean, if a thing works, if a thing is right, respect that, acknowledge it, respect it and hold to it.

For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.

My writing has to support more than my research habit, but I love to curl up with a book about some dusty corner of history.

When better cherries are not to be had, We needs must take the seeming best of bad.