I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I just wanna look up at the moonI wonder if he's looking at it too

I don’t talk about my personal life so they [the media] had to make one up for me.

The purpose of life is to perfect love, and love is selfless action. Therefore, the purpose of life is to live in a state of fearless union.

If you could get up the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed.

I don't care who the student is, teachers should never be condescending. That should be the first rule in the teacher handbook.

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

We all decry prejudice, yet are all prejudiced.

I don't care what the weather is, I will always wear my coats. I am always freezing, so it works out perfectly for me!

People with fertility problems are not alone. It is a very very common problem for couples today. I've seen statistics that are just staggering.

I'm certainly not a practicing Jew. I would never claim, 'I'm Jewish.' That's not the first and foremost thing in my mind, as far as who I am as a person.