I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

In that case, on behalf of Earthlife, I urge that, with full knowledge of our limitations, we vastly increase our knowledge of the Solar System and then begin to settle other worlds.

I'm always easily frightened and I hate being scared. I've never been able to go on the haunted house rides at carnivals of anything like that my imagination just takes over!

You men find so many angels in your travels. You have been honester than some. You have generally been off with the old angel before you were with the new, as far at least as I knew.

Still, it is an error to argue in front of your data. You find yourself insensibly twisting them round to fit your theories.

Don't let the brownies bite.

Have your name put in the Lamb's Book of Life in Heaven so you'll be sure you've got your reservation confirmed for one of those mansions in God's golden Space City!

The nice thing about Southerners is the way we enjoy our neuroses.

Pablo Casals has this simple and sincere attitude of knowing where it's at - of saying, "This is the way it is." If I thought I could carry some of that into my life, I would be happy.

I like to wear things, I don't like things to wear me.

Whoever is the first to cry "Stop the thief" is the one who is guilty.