Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Because I have no actual sisters, it is my friends from Ames who’ve exposed me to every facet of womanhood.

...but before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.

As long as we set up equality, we'll go in the right direction.

Feminism catches fire when it draws upon its inherent spirituality. When it does not, it is just one more form of politics, and politics never fed our deepest hungers.

You don't need tons of money to create art. You do need tons of money to be a part of show business. They are two different things.

I stood in Venice, on the Bridge of Sighs, A palace and a prison on each hand.

We can say what we like without favour or fear and what we can't say we can breathe in your ear

In an honest man there is always something of a child.

But I've never looked at myself as being particularly funny.

Because all things are necessary to man's complete unfoldment, all things in human life are the work of God.