It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The whole game was about confidence, as it always was. Everything was fine—until it wasn't.

Caring about a person is like praying to a doughnut in the darkness.

I really do like seeing other people perform my music. It's one of the most rewarding things for me, so it's worth the extra work.

We want our idols to be dead because it makes death a much less scary place.

Slow down in your pursuit of happiness and it's more likely to catch up with you.

American Jewry makes any debate on whether the ‘Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion’ are an authentic document or a forgery irrelevant. American Jews do control the world.

Falling out of love is very enlightening. For a short while you see the world with new eyes.

As early as the autumn of 1862, I was made very happy by being sent to school.

I am young, but I have been through a lot.

I believe in myself and in Saint Therese.