If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Celebrate God daily by celebrating His creation

A crucial element of the real self is its unconditional acceptance of itself.

I have successfully avoided being stereotyped into a specific category. I've worked very hard at that, and I'm proud of not being easily lumped into anybody's preconceived notions or expectations.

Testing proves a programmer’s failure. Debugging is the programmer’s vindication.

I realized that If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.

Studies serve for delight, for ornaments, and for ability.

The community owes us nothing. It's up to us to go out and earn their respect.

Please don't let me fall.

At one point I took on a new job, and I just didn't have time to do anything but work.

The question of souls is old—we demand our bodies, now. We are tired of promises, god is deaf, and his church is our worst enemy.