To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Why start something that you won’t see to the end? You need to finish what you start!

My plan is to continue teaching many more years than the 32 years I've already enjoyed and continue writing, and promoting my books and websites if it's God will.

When I'm writing I don't want anyone else in the room - including myself.

Never take literally what is said out of anger! They are said just to hurt you – sometimes the opposite could be true!

So distracting, so complete is she that she is gone before many realize that she had no escort, she was alone, a parade of one.

Old people think young people haven't learned about love. Young people think old people have forgotten about love.

You really need to love something or someone in order to work hard enough to be very successful. You have to believe in something and have a certain optimism.

I was a little kid who used to fight a lot in the street-and get beat up.

True stories deal with hunger, imaginary ones with love.

Human beings aren't supposed to be controlled and told what to do.