David Quotes
John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.
During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.
You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.
Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.
You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno.
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.
Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'