One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I think...I shall call ye Beauty, for I shall be yer beast.

Experience has taught me that there are some situations in which it's better to keep quiet. That is, I tried to keep quiet. Life gives me good advice, but sometimes I refuse to take it.

We must not think that religious concerns swamped all other social activities. They simply provided a focal point for them.

But people didn't forgive you for doing what felt right-that was the last thing they forgave you for.

The cure for tender sensibilities is to make more of our objects and less of our selves.

I started at Pixar the month Monsters Inc. came out.

I cannot afford to watch Fox News.

My rule on honorary degrees has always been to have one more than Arthur Schlesinger Jr.

I’m on top of my green like a lawn chair

Lifestyle is an terrible, unpleasant put to not have a very finest buddy.