During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

When in doubt, throw doubt out and have a little faith....

Failure leads to a decrease in motivation only when it is accepted as failure. Failure leads students to improve when they see it is a stepping stone on the road to success.

Well, luck is for fools. It's all they have to hope for, poor devils.

One of the benefits of being divorced is that you no longer need to listen to your ex's assessment of the appropriateness of your actions.

We don't know what those other cycles were caused by in the past. Could be dinosaur flatulence, you know, or who knows?

Being spiritual is a far more intelligent way to exist. It means being in tune with the intelligence of the Creator.

I don't know if the idea of a career in show business or in the arts in general was looked down upon as much as by baby boomers as it was by their parents.

In the process of evolution, the body lasts for some time and then will take other body and take other body and take other body until the final redemption from diversity is transcended.

The fact is that there is nothing wrong with most of us that a good, clean change of attitude and some new skills wouldn't fix.

Well, I affirm orthodox Christian faith. I affirm the Nicene Creed. I don't think I'm doing anything terribly new.