My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Girls aren't very good at keeping maps in their brains", said Edmund, "That's because we've got something in them", replied Lucy.

If you put yourself in a situation of unpredictability and then find that it's completely possible to accept it, then you become an observer.

I love Ireland. I feel very at peace there. It's just magical and beautiful.

We live and work in boxes. People don't even notice that.

Help people see themselves in your future vision to motivate them to help make change happen.

Everyone has a story; everyone hides his past as a means of self-preservation. Some just do it better, and more thoroughly, than others.

Mastery is often taken for egotism.

Your life today is a result of your thinking yesterday. Your life tomorrow will be determined by what you think today.

I was always thinking the funny things but was always quiet and scared to be made fun of.