I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

have a mind so quiet, that you can hear doves whispering as they rest their wings in the rafters your silent sanctuary

In some churches today and on some religious television programs, we see the attempt to make Christianity popular and pleasant. We have taken the cross away and substituted cushions.

I just love that feeling of being in another world, of creating characters and watching where they go.

She was mine and not-mine all at once. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and the most terrifying.

To see, and to show, is the mission now undertaken by Life.

...An honest conversation with anyone is a form of praying.

Unknown customer, unstated need - that is bleeding edge of innovation!

Anytime you start a sentence with 'I am,' you are creating what you are and what you want to be.

Fashion is becoming the same thing as our devices.

The right to have a slave implies the right in some one to make the slave; that right must be equal and mutual, and this would resolve society into a state of perpetual war.