Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The best advice is not to write what you know, it's to write what you like. Write the kind of story you like best- write the story you want to read.

it [is] possible to suppose that, if Russia is allowed to have peace, an amazing industrial development may take place, making Russia a rival of the United States.

Just because your world is falling apart doesn't mean you have to fall apart. When everything seems crazy, you be calm. Don't let the outer chaos you are facing get inside of you.

Representation, then, is not - nor can it be - neutral; it is an act - indeed the founding act - of power in our culture.

As much as we've enjoyed it up here, we're also starting to look forward to seeing all the people back on Earth that we miss and love so much.

When I am writing anything in general, I just want to tell the story that exists in my head; I don't try to write a parable or make a point.

One thing about a skater: they never quit. So a skater, to sum it up, is awesome.

No one at this time can duly estimate the importance of Mrs Marcet's scientific works.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

I think the rapidly growing tendency to regard animals as born for nothing except slavery to so-called humanity absolutely disgusting.