You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Convert your fans into your customers by adding value to what you do.

A foolish rabbit is endeared by a foxes’ smile.

Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.

My life is good because I am not passive about it. I invest in what is real. Like real people, to do real things, for the real me.

I think while all mothers deal with feelings of guilt, working mothers are plagued by guilt on steroids!

Let not adversity oppress thee: be rather like unto the nail; the farther 'tis hammered, the firmer it holds.

Give nobly to indigent merit, and do not refuse your charity even to those who have not merit but their misery.

To accept reason is impossible if you don't already possess it.

AXIOM. — Property is the Right of Increase claimed by the Proprietor over any thing which he has stamped as his own.

The F-22 is a shameful, disgraceful boondoggle and it revolts me.