Writing humor is not something every single person can do.

I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE'.

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys'.

And I reminded myself that it's easy to be grateful for the obvious blessings in life, much harder to be grateful for the tough moments and the lessons they teach.

Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.

She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.

When the common soldiers are too strong and their officers too weak, the result is INSUBORDINATION.

Right now I'd say my favorite fashion designer is Zac Posen.

I don't believe there is a God. I know there is a God.

I've been a comedian for a long time so writing and performing is a big part of what I do. If anybody's doing comedy they should also work on writing.

Our capacity to retaliate must be, and is, massive in order to deter all forms of aggression

God wants His people well, but it is up to us to make the decision to walk in health.

There's also this weirdness to California, this darkness, it's a place where people come to follow their dreams and sometimes don't make it.

Since Social Security was established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1935 to ensure economic security for American workers, poverty among American seniors has dramatically declined.

Even for the people in the business who are real music lovers it's really about putting things in the right boxes, and my style doesn't fit into a box.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.