Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Man’s earliest prereligious fear of the natural forces gradually became religious in nature and got personalized and spiritualized. Eventually he learnt to say 'God works in a mysterious way'.

Human beings are primarily defined by what we desire, not what we know.

You're not asking me for advice, you're asking me for permission.

The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley And leave us nought but grief and pain For promised joy.

O.K. I'm running out of appetite. Let this swirl- a bit like Crab Nebula- do for now.

I know of nothing more valuable, when it comes to the all-important virtue of authenticity, than simply being who you are.

Going from--toward; it is the history of every one of us.

It is folly to seek the approbation of any being besides the Supreme.

You see, the thing about dreams is that it’s never really too late to make them come true.

I believe God weeps over - over death. Jesus wept at the grave the Lazarus. In the Bible, Jesus weeps at death.