When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

Good intentions and earnest effort are not enough. Only Jesus can make an otherwise futile life productive.

It's wrong I think, morally and annoying in general, to try to get a kid to be a foodie, so I never even suggested, "Hey baby it's good, maybe you should try it." That never worked for me.

I was about seven years old. In my mother's garage I used to create plays and star in them and charge the neighborhood kids five cents to see them. It was a lot of fun.

The malignity that never forgets or forgives is found only in base and ignoble natures, whose aims are selfish, and whose means are indirect, cowardly, and treacherous.

I just started calling myself 'Swamp A-.' Like, I have swamp a- right now. I had major swamp a- because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut ... It's like the bayou up in that region.

Focused, hard work is the real key to success.

I've been a Michael Jackson fan ever since I can remember listening to music. I love his music.

Erdogan wants a caliphate. We Kurds are in his way. Erdogan can't stop us politically, so he is denouncing us as terrorists.

Some poets marry a language; some have affairs with it; some treat it as a parent, some as a child, some as an equal, or as a friend.

I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever.