When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The teacher can only provide the lessons, but the student ultimately decides what to learn.

Is it possible that even happy moments of pleasure never stand up to a rigorous examination? Possible.

A common human error is a tendency to recognize personal truths as universal truths.

There's nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in humanity.

The problem of expressing the contributions that Benny Carter has made to popular music is so tremendous it completely fazes me, so extraordinary a musician is he.

If there were no rules about when to applaud, we in the audience would have the right response almost always.

All our pompe the earth covers.

Give blood, but you may find that blood is not enough.

America is still an eagle, and she's ready to soar again.

I wouldn't change a single thing, because one change alters every moment that follows it.