When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It's better to have loved and lost than never love at all - I doubt that sorry statement every time I fall.

The purpose of our activities on earth must go beyond bread and butter or merely surviving.

It came, over and over, down to this: What made someone a mother? Was it biology alone, or was it love?

The good man is he who rules himself as he does his own property: his autonomous being is modelled on material power.

My dad knows the business, and he tells me I've got to do what's best for me.

I think the technology today is so much more advanced that it gives kids a lot more freedom... Back then it was a lot different.

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?

There are wonderfully talented actresses. It's a really rich field. There isn't as rich a field of material.

Oh Lion in a peculiar guise, Sharp Roman road to Paradise, Come eat me up, I'll pay thy toll With all my flesh, and keep my soul.

If people talk behind your back, it's because you're ahead of them.